Clay Melon

Personal Bio

I am the only member of the Buffs Off crew due to complete circumstance -- I was already living in the bombed-out radar installation when Christmas, Lance and Sterling decided to start the show.

I dragged myself to this tiny island because it was the only place in the South Pacific I could find that accommodated the 'must remain 500 ft away at all times' stipulation of my restraining orders. Yes, orders is plural.

Some say I have difficulty letting go, but I say sitting outside a window, picking through trash and saving used tissues to mold a life-size shrine dedicated to our love, shows commitment to making a relationship work.

Before moving to the South Pacific I chased my dream of becoming an Ultimate Fighting Championship fighter. Unfortunately, my inability to take a punch and tenacity to disregard the "no hitting below the belt" rule put a damper on this dream.

As a result, I turned to grain alcohol and vintage 70's porn. Despite being blind drunk and chafed most of the time, I still have focus and hope to someday open The Hassle-Hofbrau a David Hasselhoff themed bar and invent a self inflating blow-up doll.

If these ventures ever become a reality, I will use the money I make to get rid of this unidentifiable and spreading rash, bring back the 8-track, fight Gary Coleman on Celebrity Boxing and mud wrestle three midgets inside a steel cage.