Christmas Whetston

Personal Bio

I was a stowaway on the SS Minnow. But I couldn't put up with that little shit Gilligan or that fat doof Skipper (although the professor was a hottie - and so was Mary Ann) so when we beached, I flipped them off and stole their only good life raft.

It was a long journey. The trade winds eventually grabbed my little raft (which I fondly named Mary Ann). I strained and recycled my pee with one of my holey knee socks and battled angry dolphins who kept towing me out into rough seas (I'll get even with those little fuckers someday). But I was finally able to out-run them when I made a sail out of my underwear and a half shirt I stole from Mary Ann (I took it as a memento).

As I sailed along for days and days, close to starvation, I started singing to pass the time. Schools of tuna jumped into my raft - damn they almost sunk me - anyway, I ate 'em.

Once a boat full of Pygmies tried to capsize me - I think they were cannibal Pygmies - but I cold-cocked the little shits and ate 'em too.

Eventually I ended up on Puka Puka island. To make a livin' I've tried my hand at farming fiddler crabs. I also had a souvenir stand for a little while - then I realized no one comes here.

Now I just relax, watch Survivor and see how long I can grow my toenails.